Jerry Seinfeld

I did learn to surf in 1999 in Hawaii, and considered chucking my entire life to just surf. And I sometimes think I should have grabbed that opportunity, because I knew it was my only chance I was ever going to get - I was single, I had just finished the show, but I didn't do it.

No, I never got a better one.

It's way too early in the day to be drinking.

The way we got The Contest approved is that we never said any words that anybody had a problem with, everything was implied. And nobody ever questioned it at the time. We were a little surprised, but I think it was the way that we did it that made it work.

Hmm. My favorite classic car would be the Porsche 550 Spyder, from the 50's. It's a very futuristic 50's car, it's all aluminum, mid-engine, very powerful for a small car, and very exciting to drive.

Yeah, I think the kids do - my kids are a little sarcastic, they like to look at me and just say "Really...?"

So yeah, they're definitely picking it up.

Because Larry David was a Yankees fan, so we kind of would go back & forth.

I'd like to try to go in once a season, yes, so I definitely will be making plans to do that.

Hmm - my favorite alcoholic beverage would be a glass of Italian Chianti in an Italian restaurant.

Well, thank you for the artwork! And right now, the 959 is in the shop, but it's a great everyday car.

The calls at the beginning are not scripted, but they are real phone calls. So they know I am going to call.

I am a big fan of John Mulaney. I would love to have him on the show sometime.

I don't think I need one...? It seems to be doing just fine.

No, I don't, unless they somehow end up on a planet with a Red Sun where Superman would have no powers.

Well, sometimes I try and help people with their, um, etiquette with strangers. You always have to approach a stranger as a stranger, even though you may have seen that person many times on TV, they're still strangers. So you know, I sometimes will try and help people in their approach - you can't walk up to someone that you know and act like they know you. The TV only works one way. You can't just yell at me and expect me to respond positively. You have to introduce yourself first. You can't just yell "HEY JERRY, C'MERE!" and expect that to work.

That was really one of the great moments in the history of the show for us when we heard that. We really felt like we were doing something worthwhile.

It's hard to tell with comedians, because it's very difficult for a comedian to find that other format to be funny in, after you've learned how to be a comedian, it's a very difficult thing. And that's one thing a comedian needs to get to the next level, is that second format - you can perform in a club, but you need to be able to do a second type of thing that is similar, whether it's a talk show or a sitcom or a movie, or driving around in a car getting coffee.

Car mechanic humor doesn't do too well. I try and avoid car mechanic humor. I recommend you do the same.

Hm. This is a good question. Well, I guess it would have to be George Carlin, since he was one of the most iconic comedians and I did have a relationship with him and we would have had a great time.

Yes, it shouldn't pull the fabric, and it shouldn't show, you know, more than a certain amount of breastbone. It is a tricky button.

That's a good question. Probably when I was a little kid in like 7th or 8th grade, and I was watching Rowan & Martin's Laugh In, and I started watching it with a pad & pen to write down the jokes that I liked. And then I would memorize them to do in school the next day. That's when I knew I was little more into it than most people.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA.

Hah.

Probably when I open my eyes in the morning, and I go "Oh my god, I'm Jerry Seinfeld! Let's get out of bed and enjoy this!"

My favorite book. I think, geez, I have a lot of favorite books. I love ALIVE, the story of the Andes survivors, I've read that a lot, and I love Harpo Speaks by Harpo Marx. Because that's just a great story of show business. And what do I put on my burger? Ketchup. I also like pickles, onions if they're grilled, but no lettuce & tomato. Cheese is good, yes. But you didn't say cheeseburger. Yeah, definitely cheese, cheddar. No mustard. See if you can find that in London, Victoria.

First of all, it's bio pic. Not biopic. Who would I cast to play me? Who would be good playing me? It's very hard to play a standup comedian, or a baseball player, it always looks fake when an actor tries to do it. Daniel Day-Lewis would be too heavy. You know who I think would be good? Would be Matthew Broderick. He's got a good small funny. You need a small funny to play a comedian, not a big funny. Most comedians, you know, in their daily life are small funny, it's the little looks, the little things that they say, they're not clown-y.

Well, the question doesn't really make sense, because what's the talent if I'm not funny? If I'm not funny, I have no talent. But I think I know what you're asking, and I think I would be interested in graphic design. I really like that world of arranging colors & shapes in a pleasing way.

I'd love to have done the FedEx logo, for example. Or the Apple logo. I love that kind of thing. We had funny making the Comedians In Cars getting Coffee logo, that was a lot of fun, I did that with an advertising agency, but when we finally got that all arranged, I really liked it. I wanted the show to have a homemade garage band feel, which is what it is, I mean, it's 4 people in the whole show, including me. We have 2 producers, 2 editors, and a cameraman. Plus me and the guest, but the guests don't really work on the show, they just go out for coffee.

I think you're wrong. I think it would be lame, and I think it would be an embarrassment to the nice place that the show occupies. I'm absolutely happy keeping it the way it is. You can't keep asking for more of certain things, you know? one of the keys to life is having a sense of proportion, knowing how long to sit at a restaurant after you've eaten, or how long you should go on vacation - if you go to Hawaii for a month on vacation, I guarantee you that by the end you'll hate it. So it's the same with a TV show, you want to do a certain amount of it, so that when people look back on it and they love it. I could have easily done the show for one or two or three more years, but it would have changed the way people look back at it. I think I made the right decision. Because people like the show now even more than they did in the 1990s, because it didn't get worn out.

Anson Mill's 18th Century Oatmeal. Which is in North Carolina. Makes the greatest oatmeal in the world. Very good for your cholesterol too.

HAHAHA!

I love the self-mocking title of that series of movies. I would not consider being in one. I think I'm completely expendable.

You know what? I know Bill, I have not talked to him about this, but the whole Bill & the Mets thing I don't get at all. He's living in Bel Air, California. I don't understand how he has a relationship to this team.

I'm doing his show in September, I'm going to ask him about that.

Good question. I do have a number of things from the show, some really cool stuff. I have the 2 green couches, and I have that intercom that was on the wall of the apartment, that I had to press whenever someone came over. I also have the toaster from the coffee shop. I won't donate them to the Smithsonian, because they don't guarantee they will display things, so I would donate them to a museum that will put them on display. I would love to donate them somewhere. I have no use for it at this point.

I think the last statement would be the best way to characterize it, I was comfortable in the only medium I had at the time. And when I began my career in the 70s and 80s, you had to be clean to get on Johnny Carson or any of the shows. So that's what I became, and I found I liked it better anyways, because it felt harder and like more of an accomplishment when you could pull it off.

Velvet clothes? I've never owned any velvet clothes. I know George's dream was to drape himself in velvet. But I think we just thought that was something funny to say.

The quality of the coffee. I didn't really used to drink coffee in the 90s, whenever we would sit in the coffee shop on the show I wouldn't drink coffee, they would put coffee in the cup so it looked like I was drinking it, but I wouldn't drink it. I don't know what changed. But I got into it, in the 90s and I finally figured out why everybody was interested in it, and then I became obsessed with it, and then I did a show about it. There's just - as Duke Ellington famously said - "there's only two kinds of music, good and bad," and it's the same with coffee.

HAHA! HA. HA.

I have many secret talents. Let's see, what would be one I could tell you about?

I'm very good at streamlining a series of activities so that everything gets done in the amount of time that I have. I am very good with the clock. Like if I have a lot of stuff to do and a limited amount of time, I'm very good at figuring it all out. I'm very efficient in everything that i do, I never waste time so that I have more time to waste.

Yeah, I remember reading about a lot of baseball players, Wade Boggs, I think a lot of athletes have very careful preparation routines that they do before a game. And all comedians are kind of the same, there are a lot of similarities actually between comedy and baseball. It's something you can do every day, and you have a routine that you need to do to get you in the right mental place to do it.

A lot of people ask this. And yes, he was absolutely genuinely terrified by that car. Check it out - I took him for a drive in an Austin Healey 3000, which is a very unsafe old car, and he did not like it. It was one of my first episodes but it's a classic, because he kept asking me - and the more scared he got, the more it made me laugh, and it's a good one. http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/ricky-gervais-mad-man-in-a-death-machine

Veep is phenomenal. It's really got a great, fun, and funny quality.

Sweden. Oh! I love everything about Sweden. I would say Saab motors, which is now sadly defunct, although there are rumors they are going to revive it, but I LOVE Saabs. I had a Saab in the 1980's, it was the first car I bought with money I made doing comedy, and it was a Saab 900 Turbo. I had it for six years. I kept it, maintained it beautifully, and I don't remember who I sold it to. But that's what began my Porsche problem, because then I started making really good money, and then the Porsche situation happened.

No, I don't know why. And I've had some good salsa. But I really don't think it beats ketchup. People probably like it because they can see the tomatoes in it? Whereas with ketchup, you have no idea where this came from.

No. Needs a funny punchline.

My favorite horror movie... uh, horror movie. I didn't like horror movies a lot. I dunno, is Jaws a horror movie? It has to have a monster in it to be a horror movie, so I would say probably Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

No. Books take a long time, and I don't get to hear the laughs.

Yes. She does. And we're all very happy with it.

I can deny it categorically. You can't count seeing the little Superman model on the bookshelf as a Superman reference. I would say there are maybe 10 Superman references out of a whole 180 or so episodes, so that's a long way from all of them.

No, well, yes I do. I'm actually wearing them right now. It's an old pair and there's just, kind of, a mesh nylon upper. And I just like them. They're white Nikes.

I became a Nike guy probably 1978, I would say, about 6 years after the company began. I started with the original blue/yellow waffle trainer.

The worst part...I dunno, probably the worst part of being anybody, it doesn't last forever.

I think when I was about 9 or 10, and we started learning how to make human gas sounds. Those were some pretty big laughs.

But Larry and I used to have gigantic laughs writing the show, and I remember one of the first times - when Newman had to take the stand in a courtroom scene, and I believe Kramer cross-examines him, we laughed pretty hard writing that. And I also remember writing the last speech of the marine biologist, where George tells the story of finding the golf ball in the blowhole of the whale. That was a really, really long hard laugh when we wrote that.

No, I don't. But there is a similar kind of feel for rhythm and tone in comedy as there is in music, I think. You have to, you know, words - you use words in the same careful way in a song that you use them in a joke. Having just the right word in just the right place seems to make it work.

I am ambidextrous! Good observation.

Neither, I think your life will go on as it's been and you will never reach these peaks. My reddit associate suggests I throw you a bone. I think there's a possibility of that happening. If I had a bone, and I saw you, I would throw it at you. A literal bone, yeah, I would have to be walking down the street holding a bone.

Julia did!

Favorite kind of soup - I really like a really good tomato soup. A tomato soup with a grilled cheese sandwich I think is great.

Oh. Well, there were a couple of times when I definitely thought that everything had completely come to a halt. At one point, in the early 80s, I got a part on a sitcom called Benson. And I was on the show for 3 episodes, and then I got fired. And I thought that would be the only break I was ever going to get. It was just a youthful lack of perspective. But at the time, I thought that was it. But it really ended up making me really get into being a much better standup comedian so that I wouldn't be dependent on other people. It ended up being a good thing. The best things in my life have been the bad things that taught me stuff.

I hear this FARGO is very good. I haven't seen it yet. And I'm a big fan of Mad Men, and Breaking Bad. There's tons of good shows. Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Mint Chocolate Chip.

I did follow the World Cup. And obviously besides the US, I have lots of friends- I have Argentinian friends, and Mexican friends, and Italian friends, so I would go with - if I could - the team of a friend. But I really enjoyed the final, I thought Argentina & Germany had amazing ball-handling skills.

Absolutely! I think Subarus are really cool. I love the flat engine design, and they have wonderful engineering.

No more tired than I am of everything else.

I think we just thought it was a funny-sounding doctor name?

And nobody was really exactly sure what it was.

I don't know, it's very hard to move things around in time. Things exist because of time, in many cases. But I think funny is always kind of time-proof, so I think it could have worked even today. Obviously it would have been a completely different type of show. But you know, what made the show work was the bringing together a bunch of great actors & great writers in one place at one time. And that's just kind of like how a tornado happens, nobody really knows, it just happens.

My favorite thing on a bagel is vegetable cream cheese and double-smoked lox.

I relate to Dr. White. Any guy relates, once you're a dad, you always relate to the dad.

I like weird, offbeat questions so there's nothing really dumb to me. It's the normal questions, the boring ones, that bother me the most.

Uh, okay, thank you.

My favorite dinosaur: I think the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He seems the most exciting. I live near the Museum of Natural History in New York, and they have the skeleton of a T.Rex in the entry way when you come in, and it's always very exciting, it's a very exciting dinosaur. Just all those teeth.

The worst car-related experience I ever had - let's see, what would that be... I've had so many great ones... you know, to me, when you can't find a squeak that a car makes, that can completely unravel me. My first car was a Fiat 128, and I was just constantly hunting down little squeaks and rattles, I was always wanting to make it quiet, I hate it when a car is constantly chirping at you.

It was a good car, though.

I once had a lady in a pickup truck who was drunk at noon drive into the back of one of my old Porsches and smush it in at a traffic light, in Colorado. That's probably my worst car experience. I got out of the car, and I went back to her pickup truck, I opened the door, and there was this middle-aged lady who was drunk in the middle of the day, the smell just came, you know, pouring out, and I slammed the car door, and I banged on the hood, and then I left because I didn't want to spend one more second of my life around that person.

I also hate when people don't wave back when you let them in.

I discovered TM in like '72, when I was in college, and I saw the benefits after doing it one time.

I think a sink could crush a flashlight. Much heavier, if you dropped a sink on a flashlight, that flashlight's gonna lose. Unless it's one of those rubberized ones. But that couldn't do much damage to a sink, because of the rubber coating. I'm going to stay with the sink.

Mushroom & onion.

Mozzarella.

Oh, thank you for liking Comedians in Cars!

No, I don't wait too long in restaurants. I don't know why. I don't really understand how celebrities really help the restaurant. Celebrities don't know food anymore than anybody else. If a restaurant's full, it's good, it doesn't matter who's in it.

I did hear about that! Did anybody see it? Was it funny?

Haha!

Well, I don't know how much they are - but they're pretty damn good, aren't they? I mean, crunchy on the top, and chewy on the bottom. They could charge as much as they like, as far as I'm concerned.

Because the actual millennium was 2001, not 2000. That wasn't a mistake. I believe you've made a mistake.

No, I didn't, we just thought it was a funny product.

I've never met Nicolas Cage, but I heard that he had an Action Comics number one. Which I don't have. So maybe he would win that.

No, I don't like to just hang out, I like to do shows. It's more fun. If I'm just going to hang out, I would rather be home. Unfortunately I don't like roller coasters.

Blue. In fact, I felt as a child that i related more to blue than my own name. I have a very powerful connection with that color. And it's always been extremely important to me. It's weird, I don't understand it myself, but there's certain blues - Jeep Wrangler makes a blue that will make me stop walking on the sidewalk, and just turn and stare at it.

A cat is a small sneaky animal that manages to get by without any real relationships.

George Carlin really seems like a VW Bus kind of guy. But one of the things i do is I talk to the guest first, and see if they have any car interest of any particular kind, and then if they do, sometimes I will pursue that.

I would say the advice I would give myself, or any young person, would be "Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success."

You are way too self-involved. In an audience of thousands of people, no one is looking at you. You need to be more aware. I don't see people in the audience, I'm in an ultra-focused state when I'm onstage, I only go by sound - I listen to the audience but I don't look at anything in particular. I'm really visualizing the stuff I'm talking about.

If I can see the audience, it throws me off.

"Do you come here often?"

That was a joke.

How about one of George's lines from The Opposite? "I'm unemployed, and I live at home with my parents."

What dressing room are you talking about? I do sometimes use the toothbrush in the dressing room, but then I throw in the garbage.

That's a good question. I don't know if the average person would like it. I really like it. I think it might surprise them that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I think most people think of it as a problem, but it's all in how you look at it. But I do think that's the case, you get a lot more than it costs you in privacy invasion or whatever. I think people know a lot about being famous these days. When I first became well-known in the '90s, the world, the celebrity world was not as explored as it is now. Now you can really see these people and how they live, and so I don't know how much would be surprising. I'll tell you what: there's a lot of vulnerability to it. You are much more vulnerable to certain things, along with these advantages there are also some great vulnerabilities.

It's all done. But I always play with these things endlessly.

I loved the Ricky Gervais office, I didn't see much of the Steve Carell office.

Well, that wasn't Newman, that was a different character. If it was Newman, I would have been thrilled. But we did get to set Newman on fire in his mail truck one time. Loved it.

When Frank Costanza, George's father, said to Elaine "Do you want a piece of me?" when he thought that she wanted to have a fistfight. That one, we had to do over and over because nobody could stop laughing. Every time Jerry Stiller would say "Do you want a piece of me?" we had to stop.

I like any of these little fancy local coffee places. And I like it no sugar, with cream or half and half, and a little cinnamon.

One time I got bullied, yeah, I think it was second grade. It was a kid, who I would bring little Matchbox cars with me to class, and he would make a fist at me, and then take the cars. Then one day he came over to my house and wanted to play with me, and I refused. And I never saw him again. But I still remember that. I just remember him taking the cars, and him making this fist at me. And he thought we were friends, that was the weird part.

No, I did not care for the first Jordans. But it was really Keds basketball in like, you know, '63 or '64, with the blue label on the back and the ridged toe and the gum sole, white canvas or navy canvas, those are the shoes that made me go out of my mind for sneakers. Because I could suddenly run so fast when I put those on.

Well my favorite sport is baseball. And there's no other sport that interests me even half as much. And the ball I would like to have if i was in Castaway would be a pink Spalding because it lasts a long time, and it's good to throw against a wall, and when you're all alone, you do a lot of that. It's a small ball, kind of like a baseball sized ball, and it's called a Pink Spalding. It was very big in New York in the '60s. There was also a ball called a Pennsy Pinkie that was similar, but I prefer the Spalding.

Well, I suppose I could. But it's just too far away.

And i have my own car show now!

Truthfully, I loved working on every episode, we just had the best time and got along great, and there were a number of years when the show wasn't successful and we still loved it. And I was very surprised by Festivus catching on, but I think people just like the line rhyming Festivus with "rest of us" is 90% of it. And no presents, and you don't have to buy decorations, it's just an aluminum pole.

HAHA!

That's funny. I like the typewriter style. And I actually have one of those little chrome handles to reset it back to the margin as I eat.

The least proper way to prepare an egg is to smash it on top of somebody's head.

Probably - I would like to import and export candy. It would be fun to have candies coming in from strange foreign countries, and I would love to send my favorite candies out to places where people don't have them.

He didn't threaten anyone with it, but he did very suspiciously keep it under his long coat and it made everybody nervous.

You are a very smart and progressive person. These conversations are presently taking place.

I watched Field of Dreams with my boys the other day, and when it gets to the scene where the father says "Do you want to have a catch" to Kevin Costner, it gets me every time.

Haha! Um... I'll guess, what's that Kurt Cobain song, smell of fear or something? Smells Like Teen Spirit. I'll guess that.

No wait, I'll guess Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Rosese.

Let's see, what place did I always like - there's a good one in Cleveland called Hilarities, I always liked this one, and there's one in Atlanta called the Punchline that i always liked. But I'm the kind of guy, I never met a gig I didn't like. I just love that I get to do it.

Hahaha! You are reading it wrong. She loves donuts. Who doesn't love donuts?

Well, I would suggest following up "What's the deal with that" with "I mean, really, how is this possible? You have GOT to be kidding me." See if that makes you feel any better!

Gee, that's a good question. Will is a bigger guy, but Ricky's got that, you know, British, those guys love to fight, they're very "fight-y" kind of guys, I don't know where he comes from in England but he just has that accent that just sounds like he wants to fight somebody. So I think it would be close.

I have watched cricket on TV, whenever I'm in Europe and I see it on I watch it, I have no idea what's going on, but I like someone throwing something and someone else taking a swing at it.

Millions. I have millions of things like that. Someone once gave me a Superman insignia keychain that I clipped onto my backpack, I know I am going to lose it someday and I will be devastated, because I just love it.

Let's see. I probably, um, what would I end? Boy, they're all so bad. I guess I would end the war in the Middle East, right now. And I think a really juicy white peach might do it, because one bite and it's just running down all over your chin and your hands, and you have to stop everything you're doing.

My favorite part was recording the voices, particularly Patrick Warburton who played the character of Ken. Whenever he would come by the studio and do those voices, I would just pee laughing.

It's very nice. It really is funny, it's very easy for me to remember that the show was very unsuccessful for a number of years, the first 4 years, and I remember thinking "I don't know why people don't seem to like this, it seems so funny to me." But I never thought it was going to be a big success. But it worked out.

I used to go to Heidi's in Westwood quite often when I lived in LA. I used to have tons and tons of frozen yogurt, but when I moved to the East Coast, I stopped eating it so much. It's a west coast thing. It's not as good on the east coast. I don't know if it's still there.

Haha! No, I have no germ phobias. I think dirt is helpful to keep the immune system working.

That's my line. You're supposed to be coming up with things that YOU think.

Oh. The worst advice is, you know, you have to do more to promote yourself. That's the worst advice. The best advice is to do your work, and you won't have to worry about anything else.

No, it doesn't upset me! But I'm just happy that anyone likes anything that I'm involved with. I just think there's something about that TV series that has more indelible impact. There's so much more going on in it. Comedians in Cars is great and it's fun and I love it, but I just don't think it is the same kind of show. But I'm just glad people like it.

Being old is great. There's so many things that you're done with. Like running really fast. I was single until I was 45, and I liked that, but then I couldn't take it anymore. So when you're old, you get to relax a little bit. And you can see much more clearly of what's going on in the world. When you're young, everything is really confusing, and when you're old you can see through people and events really clearly, and I like that a lot. So I think getting old has as much advantages as disadvantages. The worst thing about getting old is your knees aren't so good. But if you exercise, it's not bad at all.

No, I still use a bic pen. I still like that pen. It's a great pen.

HAHA!

I would pick my own fictional parents from the TV series. They were a little less crazy. But George's parents were more fun to have on the show. They were really funny.

I love Aziz, he's a wonderful, interesting and extremely intelligent guy. And driving Good Times was a little intimidating. And I really was worried about damaging it.

I haven't seen the show, I wish I had so that I could comment, but I did see that thing that a guy compared it, but I don't know why he compared it, I don't know what the similarity is.

My ideal music festival, hmm, okay. Sinatra, Beatles, Steely Dan, Carol King, Bruce Springsteen.

Hmm. I tend to think in very small sizes. I'm working on a bit now about the tuxedo, and I'm just trying to get that to work. I think that the tuxedo is the ultimate male symbol for somebody trying to pull a fast one.

Oh my god, that's such an easy question! Who wouldn't want a hamster sized rhino? It would be one of the greatest things ever! You could put your hand down flat and just let him charge into it!

Haha! Well you should always eat or drink whatever they're eating or drinking on the show, so pause it when they get to a thing where they are eating or drinking something, and then go out and get that thing if you don't have it.

Except for Kramer with the bad peach.

Or maybe it was a grapefruit? I think it was a bad piece of grapefruit section. He bit it and then spit it out at the same time. I still have no idea how he drank that beer and puffed that cigarette at the same time. I saw it the other day at some kind of a clip thing, and I don't think he has ever gotten the proper appreciation for that amazing trick.

Probably me, I'm a little taller, models are always tall. No I don't watch Game of Thrones, I'm not interested in flying biting things. Aren't there like hawks that attack people or something? Oh they're dragons, ok, you lost me already. And I've watched a couple of Veeps, but no Game of Thrones. But I do hear it's very good. I'm sure it is. I'm just busy doing nothing.

Do i read everything I write in my voice? Well I don't really have any other voice I could possibly do it in. I mean, if I'm sayin' it then that's my voice.

The taquito. Yeah, it's taquito I believe.

Definitely Bond Villain, but some people felt I was a little bit of a villain during my appearance on Louis. It wasn't a real villain, but I was a little mean.

Haha!

Um, most of the time it seems if you're wearing the right-sized pants, you don't need one. I wear it with a suit because you always tuck the shirt in, and it helps keep the shirt in.

I have an iPhone. My kids are very excited about the emojis. And they tried to get them, and they couldn't. So I think there is some problem with the emojis.

Alright, I'll tell you something: it's an AMA. Come up with a question.

I'm a dog person, but we had a cat one time, and I really liked it. I think it's very strange that men like dogs and women like cats because women want attention and men want to be left alone, it should be the complete opposite.

No, I do not. I am a friend to all persons.

See if she's got a roommate.

I do kind of like cilantro, but I don't know what it is.

No. Who are these people?

Well, obviously flying would be my superpower. And I mean, what else matters?

I kind of like it when a little misspelling in a text causes a big problem, like when someone types "homo" instead of "home" and I like little problems like that.

More lunchmeat? Why does it need to be more specific? It's meat, and they're telling you when to eat it.

I would be a baby eagle. Because I'm wearing short, spiky hair these days.