Nick Offerman

September 2, 2015

Nick Offerman gently tickles fellow dipshits. AMA

Nick Offerman, Actor - Woodworker - Writer, thoroughly tumescent to appear in a small role in A Walk In The Woods, opening today.


Thank you all for your questions, this has been most edifying, as always. I highly recommend A Walk In The Woods, opening today in many fine American theaters. Redford, Nolte, Emma Thompson, Kristen Schaal, Mary Steenburgen, and directed by Ken Kwapis. Hilarious and touching, and the Appalachian Trail!

Hi Nick! I made these whiskey coasters inspired by you when you were here before, but I don't think you saw them. So, I'll try again!

Link 1

Link 2

Now for the question: Martin or Gibson?

Land sakes, those are some handsome coasters. Now I am thirsty.

Martin & Gibson both make amazing instruments, and I own and enjoy guitars by both. Collings Guitars outside Austin are also super delicious. To each his/her own.

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Hi! I was wondering what your favorite beverage is, besides whiskey?


If you could carve any item out of wood, what would it be?

A mighty Cleric's stave, intricately inlaid with enough runes and magicks to ward off any Shambling Mound. A staff worthy of a Tolkien wizard, hewn of Scottish Bog Oak, to withstand the many cudgelings I would ask it to deliver.


First off, love you and your wife individually, first when I watched her on Will and Grace, and then you on Parks and Rec (and of course, seeing you and her interact as Ron and Tammy 2). Your Netflix special reduced my boyfriend and I to laughter-induced tears.

My question: what was it like when you had your small role on Will and Grace? Were you and Megan together at this point? Your chemistry even then was undeniable.


Thank you for acknowledging the overpowering love-musk of our union. When we couple, luscious lilies and tuberoses unfurl their labial blossoms in the swampy sloughs of the Loire region. Working on W&G was incredibly exciting and daunting, as we had been dating for only a few mere months, and I had not worked on a "multi-cam" show in front of a live audience. The rest of the cast and the legendary director Jimmy Burroughs moved with the precision and swiftness of an NBA team, so it was like jumping on to a full-speed comedy train while carrying a heavy toolbox. Fortunately, I knew that if I got my bits right, I would get to kiss Karen Walker more than once at the end of the ride, so I just held on for dear life.

Hi Nick! I'm very excited to have this opportunity!

What's a day in the life of Nick and Megan's life like? Do you guys have any silly traditions?

Thanks for doing this! Best wishes to you both!

Contrary to popular belief, Megan and I are just two normal, sandwich-eating Americans. We get up in the morning, slather ourselves in a fresh Oat pudding and rub our bodies together until we have both ejaculated a stream of ecstasy that turns our love-tub into a warm goulash of effluvia and passion. Stepping into the yard, shivering in our naked delight, Megan daintily taps upon the bark of our Ent, who releases one drop of dew from one leaf, impossibly high upon its upper branches. This elephantine droplet plummets from such great heights and splashes us clean, filling our noses and other orifices with an elvish, lavender magic as we skip about our several closets, giggling and tickling one another. The squirrels are really funny during this recess, and there's a shitload of LOLing taking place. As the closet faeries weave the day's raiments about our quivering flesh, we settle into our Offerman Woodshop chairs and check our emails, like anybody. Pretty boring.

Do you have a general idea, bullet points you want to hit, before you start talking like this, or do you just start talking and hope you don't end up saying something too eloquently crazy?

I greatly enjoy these AMAs for the reason that they require no forethought. They are usually scheduled upon the occasion of promoting a project I am in the act of "dropping", like the premiere of A Walk In The Woods film today. The extemporaneous nature and varied tone and subject matter of these Q&A's provide me with an opportunity to have fun off the top of the noggin, whilst trying to impart a tidbit of pith here and there.

I also greatly enjoy your AMAs. This is mainly due to your way of speaking. What I had meant was when you give a long response like you gave above my first comment, if you had an idea where you were going with it or just happily rolled along till it seemed you should stop?

Happily roll.

Is there a director/actor that you dream of working with?

I am very lucky to have had the work I've assayed thus far, which has been far beyond my wildest dreams. If I were to dream beyond this great beyond, I would be very grateful to play with The Coens, Nicole Holofcener, Alexander Payne, Stanley Kubrick (35 years ago), Jill Soloway, Rick Linklater, JIM JARMUSCH, Steve McQueen, for example. However I often find there to be great delight in working with talents that are yet unknown to the world at large, as therein lies the best hope for the surprises of a unique vision.

Which out of all the episodes of Parks and Rec was the hardest line NOT to laugh at?

The line that springs to mind was in the final season, and it came, of course, from the mouth of Chris Pratt. That beautiful mouth. He was scripted to say "Vladimir Putin", but he chose to mispronounce the name, Andy Dwyer-style, and the five of us on camera simply could not keep our shit together. Every take he chose a different mangling of the name, and it was so goddamn fun and funny. I believe it can be found on the computer web or in the gag reel from season 7.

Nick! You make me tingle in the panties. I know you're happily married to an incredible woman, but if I could cook you one epic meal to perhaps persuade you into my tingling undies... What could I cook for you? Perhaps food is not the way to your heart. But I bet it is.

Your open suggestion of infidelity is unseemly. Fidelity is the repast I suggest you bake into your own practice.

Approximately how much bacon is too much bacon?

This question is nonsense.

What's your favorite flavor of pie? And do you like your pie with ice cream?

I AM CRAZY FOR PIE. WITH ICE CREAM? SURE. IT'S FUCKING ICE CREAM. 1) Blueberry 2) Cherry 2) Pecan 3) Key Lime

Blueberry pie and vanilla ice cream combine to form a flavor that is not desirable. All other pies are good with ice cream though.

I'm afraid your shit is not working properly.

Blueberry?? You're dead to me

So long. We had a good run. Also, if you're getting negatively emotional about a person's dessert preferences, perhaps you should cultivate some friendships with other humans and see how that goes?

Have you ever had a chocolate pecan pie?

Thumbs up.

I appreciate you and everything you do, but how's your wife? What's she up to? I miss seeing her on TV!

I am supremely titillated to report that Megan is amazing on a new show coming to the UK in a month, and to NBC next year, called YOU, ME, AND THE APOCALYPSE. She is the funniest thing in a very funny show, but it's also high-stakes, and I am getting a boner, please excuse me whilst I step back out into the Ent-shower.

Hi Nick! How can I get that sweet American button up shirt you wear in American Ham?

This is a popular question. That shirt is not remotely available from any retailer of garments. I designed it and had it built from scratch by the amazing ladies who made our wardrobe on Parks and Recreation. I looked into reproducing them for sale on my website, but the cost was prohibitive.

what's your favourite cheese?

1) Gruyere 2) Wisconsin Cheddar 3) Wisconsin curds 4) Cave Aged Gouda 5) Dubliner 6) Estero Gold

Wisconsin love from Nick. Follow up: what is your favorite football team and when did you realize it was the Green Bay Packers?

Let's not be silly.

I would like to put in a plug for Vermont cheddar. And while I'm at it, the state of VT as a whole, which I am sure you would enjoy.

Vermont Cheddar is DELICIOUS, no doubt. Maine and Vermont are the 2 states I have not visited, a deficit which I will soon see remedied. Maine is woodworking and boatbuilding heaven, not to mention VACATIONLAND, as Mr. Hodgman is incessantly pointing out to me as he cavorts about her bays in his peeped (not a euphemism).

it's weird how pleased i am to have the same favourite cheese as nick offerman. i mean i'm 34, goddamit.

Cheese is like that. An incontrovertible truth.

Do you have Aziz's number? Can I have Aziz's number?

At last report, I believe his number was "1". You are welcome to it.

Nick, you're the man. Here's my question:

In your opinion, what are a few activities that are never a waste of time?

Who would you like to play in a Coen Brothers movie?

A speaking role would be the best.

How do you feel about Captain Dipshit?

If you're referring to Nicolas Cage, I feel very enamored of him. His work in Raising Arizona was admirable, but the national treasures he unearths in National Treasure proves beyond a doubt that his brand of Illuminati mojo is the most salient.

Nick! I'm a huge fan of you and your amazing facial hair.

Anyways, do you like Texas? More specifically, what do you like the most about Texas?

Texas is an amazing state. It is vast and varied in its terrain, and it boasts some of the most mouth-jizzing BBQ across which I have come in my planet-wide search for pork ribs and brisket. Austin also lives in Texas, and that fetching burgh is like the free-thinking atmosphere of Madison, Wisconsin set amongst the refreshing oasis of Barton Springs. Willie Nelson and Austin City Limits are in Texas. So are my friends, the filmmakers Robert Byington and Laura Dunn. The Gourds, for crying' out loud. Also, politically, Texas does a great job of letting the country know how not to behave. There is an annual beard-growing contest in Shamrock, Texas. All in all, count me in.

What's it like being Megan Mullaly's Husband? And does she ever do Karen's voice to fuck with you?

Being the husband of the goddess Megan Mullally is the single greatest fate that could befall a human being who is into vaginas. To answer your second question - Yes, but you accidentally included a "with" that doesn't belong.

Hey Nick, here's a softball, what's your three favorite movies?

Not such a softball, as this could go on for days. Billy Jack The Big Lebowski The Music Man

Is masterbation a sin in your eyes, Mr. Offerman?

Masturbation is a perfectly natural occurrence. To suggest it is a sin is actually the more criminal act. Christopher Hitchens does a fantastic job of unpacking this and every other injustice with which religion has raped our civilization. Denying same-sex couples common human rights, for example, is a sin. Masturbation is a gift.

I'm thinking of making a small, wooden gift for my girlfriend for Christmas.

What item would you suggest, and which wood do you think I should use?

Something personally relevant. Whatever wood is appropriate for your project/skill level. Oak, especially American White Oak, always carries the most emotional significance for me, but Megan has had gifts of oak, willow, lacewood, walnut, mahogany, cocobolo, and cherry, off the top o'me head.

Hi Nick! I enjoyed your canoe making videos. Do you ever find time to get out on the water?

I am paddling tomorrow. I would that I had more canoe time, but for now it is relegated to my vacation periods, or the instances in which I convince producers (like those from Parks & Rec) to write a scene in which I spend the day in a canoe. This very day I am replenishing the varnish coats on my Huckleberry (not a euphemism) and it has me pining to build another watercraft. There is no finer pastime.

What is your favorite meal, sir?

Megan Mullally

Nick, A few years ago at an Iron & Wine show in Los Angeles I ran into you and your lovely wife waiting to go backstage. Thoroughly speechless as I spied two of my favorite actors waiting around to meet my hands-down favorite musician, I dumbly just asked if I could get a picture, then ran away giggling like a school-girl. I immediately regretted not shaking your hand and asking you a more substantive question.

So I have three questions for you: 1. Will you please forgive me for my boorishness in asking you and your wife for a photo while you were just trying to enjoy a night out? 2. How was your meeting with Sam Beam? I'm pretty sure that some sort of woodworking/musical collaboration between the two of you would change the world... 3. If I want to get started in woodworking with hand tools, but am fairly poor, which tool would you recommend I get first. Something versatile that I could at least start a project with.

1) Thank you for apologizing. A great blight has overtaken our population at large, at least those who are fans of the "smartphone" and social media. The dilemma is this: It has become more valuable to these folks to score FaceBook or Instagram points with a selfie, or some sort of "proof" that they met/saw a famous person, or a desirable person. The part of this habit that rankles, really rankles, is that we photo subjects end up feeling like a cardboard standup or a zoo animal. I greatly enjoy meeting fans, particularly to shake a person's hand, hear what they have to say, look him/her in the eye and thank them for his/her support. To me, this has a vastly greater value than the illusory idea that the "community" will think a person more "cool" if they have a selfie, etc. I don't want to judge folks for using social media, please do as you wish by all means. Just think about the common decency and lack of manners that you might exhibit when you demand a photo over a personal interaction. I would very much like to say "thank you" to any person who tells me they have enjoyed my work, and this is hard to accomplish when you have your back to me, your tongue hanging out like a fool, shooting your photo. 2) I am a massive fan of Sam Beam (Iron & Wine). He is a terrific sweetheart and poet and supremely talented musician. His epic song The Trapeze Swinger moves me every time I hear it, and his records are amongst my most frequent plays. 3) If you are short on funds but big on enthusiasm when starting out in woodworking, I would suggest a jigsaw, a few chisels, a spokeshave, and a block plane. With these you can make a canoe paddle, or many other simpler implements. Perhaps you can make items to sell, earning the price of better tools. These and many other tools can be had affordably if you find them used on Craig's List, or whomever else is keeping a list these days.

Hi there Sir,

I saw you this spring in Bloomington on the Indiana University Campus shortly after Indiana RFRA was passed and the day the protection for LGBT was added. You spent a lot of time during the show addressing this controversial topic and stood behind your decision to not perform in Indianapolis despite the laws modification. In fact you promised and spoke at length for why you stood behind that decision. However you still performed in Indianapolis?

What made you change your mind on that and how do you feel that impacts your message of that evening at IU?

There was a lot of confusion surrounding this sequence of events, but simply put, we reinstated our Indianapolis show for a few reasons, which were documented in the press and on our Twitter accounts. The Indiana legislation and Governor Pence made a partial fix to their discriminatory language, to which I replied "A step in the right direction. Please keep walking." Megan and I received a very vocal response from our fans who were not into discrimination against the LGBT community - an overwhelming amount of support asking us to come and spread our message of love and 69 instead of depriving the tristate area. Finally, we determined that we would reinstate the show but donate 100% of the proceedings to the Human Rights Campaign, which seems to us like using the performance in a much more positive effort than simply canceling.


Recently, my brother passed unexpectedly. For the last many years were not very brotherly (not in a mean way, just in a drift apart way). After his funeral I was helping the rest of the family clean out his home, and on his bedside table I found a copy of your book that I bought him for Christmas. It was relentlessly dog-earned with little notes scribbled in it. I had given it to him for Christmas a few years back, autographed from your website. It really made me happy that he had enjoyed it, and that we had a least our love for your work and comedy in common, even after years of gradual alienation. We all had a good cry about, and I took it with me back home. It was really the only thing that spoke to me about our relationship. Over the last few weeks I've enjoyed reading his notes, looking at his doodles, and generally just enjoying the feeling that this was his and he enjoyed. It's certainly helped actualize the loss in real terms.

Anyways, my question is: do you often find that readers have a more emotional connection to your work than you might have imagined when you wrote it?

Sounds like you might benefit from actually reading it.

is a hot dog a sandwich?

Fuck no.

What is something the little-kid/hero-fan in you wished Wendell Berry said to you when you met to discuss Gumption?

"I'd appreciate it if you and Megan would come live here with us, and help me work the place."

Will you grow out a big burly beard again? It makes you look even more manly, if that's even possible.

It is in process.

What is your next woodworking project?

My third book! It will focus on Offerman Woodshop and woodworking in general, including shop visits to the workplaces of some of my woodworking heroes. Also, each woodworker at OWS will have a how-to chapter, so the book will be enjoyably about woodworking while also instructional. My own offerings will be a ukulele or 3, perhaps a canoe paddle and maybe a Windsor chair.

If you were locked in a cage for a week, and were forced to be fucked in the ass by one actor for that entire week, who would it be?

Easy. Megan Mullally.

Mr. Offerman, Thanks for tricking people into thinking being handy is cool. I'm building a walnut bench of mostly solid wood. I'm letting the panels be veneered plywood. What is you're "go-to" finish on dark walnut? I've mostly stuck to polyurethanes in the past, but am looking to venture out to a less plastic look to my finishes.

Hey, that's nice looking work! We love assorted hand-rubbed oils and varnish oils. There's one called The Good Stuff that we have been using a lot, but it's also fun to experiment on scraps and find your own recipe or either tung oil or linseed oil, varnish, and bee's wax...

Nick, what do you have against the environment? Your hatred for your Eagleton counterpart caught me off guard.

Fans of Parks & Rec often seem to be unaware that Ron Swanson is a character very effectively written to provide comedy. I, however, am a much more boring and clumsy and effeminate actor who played him with pleasure and gratitude. If Swanson were, say, put off by a character like the insanely handsome "Eagleton Ron" Dunn, it would probably be more of a personality difference than a dislike of the environment. Both Ron Swanson and I hold the great outdoors, here in America especially, in an incredibly high regard.

In your first book, you talked a lot about growing up in Minooka and working in the Chicago area. What are your favorite places to visit when you are back in Chicagoland?

Moody's Pub Solemn Oath Brewery in Naperville The Music Box Theater The Art Institute The Berghoff Restaurant Wrigley Field! (can't wait for touring to allow me to throw out a first pitch or bellow the 7th inning stretch)

Mr. Offerman you possess a very impressive vocabulary. What is your favorite phrase or saying that excentuates your mastery of words?

Edit: I can't spell

"Excentuates" is a most pernicious misspelling of the noble verb whose root is simply "accent". I adore vocabulary as one of the most valuable tools to creative writing, and so I am always learning and making errors myself, and hopefully thereby buttressing my own usage.

Are you related to Jose?

We are all, in the grand scheme, related to Jose. Mr. Trump might see a better outcome were he to comprehend this.

How much has playing the character Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation affected your personality, if at all?

I honestly think that Ron made me more effervescent. Through assaying his stentorian demeanor, I notice that perhaps I wasn't smiling or giggling enough in my personal life, and Megan made notice of much the same. Perhaps I exorcised some of the "Ron" out of myself by playing him, which allowed me to bear the more fruity and bubbly countenance that I now wield.

Nick, I hope you see this in the hopes a bacon amateur like myself can find some enlightenment.

What is your favourite bacon, bacon based or baconized dish to eat?

Bacon is amazing. If you are looking for more information, I suggest you find a hobby, or discipline that will satisfy your time. If, however, you are in the actual bacon business, please send me some bacon.

Hey Nick, I watched American Ham a week ago. The Rainbow Song almost brought me to tears. Oh, I'm a man btw. What you have for Megan is an amazing love and I'm glad you wear it on your sleeve and she tosses it right back with sass and style. I know it's not much to say, but I wish you two on each other forever.

So one of the rules for living was Romantic Love.

Do you think people often get too afraid to be vulnerable, that they hide inside to prevent pain, and forego loving?

Sure, I think we are all afraid of risking a display of our vulnerable feelings to another, or others, because you try to kiss a person, and you blow some snot out because you're nervous, and then everybody calls you "Booger-Smooch" for the rest of 6th grade. Hypothetically. The thing to remember is that we're ALL booger-smoochers, and we should say, "oh, sorry about the farmer-blow", and then get to smooching. Life is messy and we are certainly flawed animals, so it's better to just dive in and taste of life than to hang back protectively and wait for some sort of snotless kisser to arrive on the scene. #MyTwoCents

You're overrated. How do you explain why so many people like you?

There is truly no accounting for taste.

Of all the reading you've done what books or which authors would you put at the top if you were to create a 'must read' list for your adoring fans?

Wendell Berry Ayn Rand Michael Pollan Robert Anton Wilson Barbara Kingsolver Bucky Fuller Christopher Hitchens Edward Abbey Patrick O'Brien

I see you're coming to Boston to be in A Confederacy of Dunces on stage. My question to you is, can you be unlikable enough to play Ignatius?

I'll remind you that I am classically trained. I AM ALSO PERFECTLY EQUIPPED TO PORTRAY A CORPULENT FOP.

Do you and Ron Swanson share the same views on Canada?

We do not. Ron's attitude is merely provincial. Were he to visit Canada and walk her forests and canoe her many waters and taste of her further spoils, he would understand, as I do, that Canada is magnificent.

Seeing as you have a love for scotch, I have a query.

I am going to Scotland next year and will be visiting the Lagavulin distillery. What else should I do/where else should I visit while I am there?

Might as well hit Ardbeg and Laphroaig, as they are all in a row. The American Monument is quite rugged and beautiful and moving, and it's also the spot where Ron Swanson read his Robert Burns on the cliff.

What's shakin Mr. Offerman!

Just finished Paddle Your Own Canoe on a business trip and was stifling my laughter. (I really dig your writing style) Planning to read gumption soon and couldn't help but wonder if you had plans for future books?

Also, I'm from Wisconsin. What's your favorite fish to catch and do you have a favorite technique?

Thank you for enjoying my ramblings. Book 3 coming next year - on Offerman Woodshop and woodworking. My family fishes avidly in Wisconsin and Minnesota. My Dad loves to troll for walleye, as do I, but I must confess a love of the Largemouth, as they are more readily fighting their way into our frying pan.

You excited about the new Star Wars movie?

Is that the one with the little Wizard boy?

Sir Offerman, you are my hero. My question is if you had to eat any fruit besides a tomato on a burger, what would it be?

Venison, the fruit of the plains.

Wanna go to a Cubs game? Perhaps a playoff game even?

More than you know.

Nick - you've had a different path to fame than many, it seems.

As an aspiring actor, who's currently doing nothing other than being mildly entertaining within my social strata, what would your "one piece of advice" for the hopeless (like me) be?

(Outside of the advice-come-comedy-special I've already watched)

Find something else to do. Something you love. For me, it was woodworking. I lost myself in the discipline, and then when showbiz finally came inconsistently knocking, I was already happily ensconced in a life I loved. Entertainment is too treacherous a field to be the only one in which you plant your seeds (euphemism).

Dearest Mr. Offerman,

I'm the incredibly proud father of the most gorgeous and sweet 9 month old girl this or any other plane of existence has ever seen. It's important to me that I instill the qualities of hard work and generosity as soon as possible. Do you have any tips I can impart on the young firecracker that is Eleanor?

Get her sanding. Build arm and shoulder strength, then she can be splitting firewood soon enough.

Are you purchasing a Jimmy Diresta action figure? Pre-painted or paintable?

Good Lord, is America's greatest maker/teacher. The fact that he is not a (more) massive star and that Trump's "campaign" is dominating the "news" cycle says a lot about how pusillanimous this nation has grown. Jimmy Diresta doll? I will own his effigy, yes.

Nick, huge fan.

I live in the town next to your native land of Minooka. We recently took down a bunch of ash trees because of disease. I saved a few of the trunk pieces for possible end tables, or stools. Can I even make anything worth while out of ash, or have I wasted my time?

Ash is an amazing wood, although very hard. With properly sharpened tools, you can make anything of ash, but its traditional uses are baseball bat, axe handle, and dildo.

Hey nick! Big fan! I was wondering if you had any good tips to get into wood working. It looks so interesting but seems like there is so much to it between all the different tools (files, shavers, other wood working specific tools), the different machines, and of course the tons of different wood (seems like different wood types are good for different projects), and the different ways to cut/shape the wood (with the grain, perpendicular to the grain, at an angle). What would be your go to for starting to get into this seemingly complicated hobby? Is there a book or wiki page you think would be more helpful than others to weed through the bullshit and get me started on doing things rather than reading theory for 6 weeks?

Pick a project and learn how to make it. Acquire only the tools necessary to that project. Classes often begin with a box of some sort, but you could just get a good square and block plane and learn to square a small plank of wood. Using a sharp plane and your own finesse to make all 6 surfaces of a plank perfectly flat and perpendicular to one another is a mighty powerful accomplishment.

Indica or Sativa?

Please and thank you.

In high school my favourite class was woodshop. I made a really nice table, but when I moved across the country (Canada), it mysteriously vanished. I would like to recreate this table in the future, so I need a little advice.

What brand of tools do you like? And are you loyal to one brand, or do you mix and match depending on the tool? I never know what to buy, so I could use some wisdom.

See what, if anything, is available locally. Read tool reviews from publications like Fine Woodworking or Popular Woodworking. For hand tools, some great North American brands are Lie Nielsen and Veritas/Lee Valley. Festool makes amazing hand-power tools, well worth the extra $$. Do a lot of homework, and remember that you get what you pay for. Cheap tools end up costing you time and money, when you have to upgrade/replace so soon.

When working with cocobolo (my favorite wood), are the dangers posed by the sawdust legitimate?

I believe that all sawdust carries the taint of causing possible respiratory diseases, so wearing a protective mask shouldn't be considered "wussy" so much as wise.

Mr. Nick, I need you personal professional opinion of Mr. T..? For science of course.

I read Mr. T's autobiography, MR. T ON MR. T, and I have to say it was a fascinating piece of work very much in his own voice. His story is truly inspiring, warts and all, and I can only find admiration for a fellow with the build of a Hercules who continually reminds us to "treat our mothers right".

What would be the best wood projects to begin working on to gain the skills needed to build a magnificent canoe?

Canoe Paddle is a good place to start. You'll develop many of the hand skills necessary in a full canoe build, although you'll be surprised that each step is easier than it looks. A lot of gluing and clamping.

Hey Nick, how can I get to your incredible standard of facial hair?

Eschew the razor.

Why do people think you are funny? Your standup was possibly the worst I have ever seen.


What should I name my son who is yet to be born?

My money is on either Thacker Hample, or 2 names resulting in the initials "U.S."

Any advice for someone who wants to build a canoe?

Get yourself CanoeCraft by Ted Moores. 'Tis the bible of strip-planking canoes, and his company Bear Mountain Boats has all the plans and supplies you need.

How many fingers can you stick in your asshole, le reddit approved meat maymay man?

I don't fully understand your code, but the answer would obviously depend upon the girth of the digits on the person doing the sticking?

This interview was transcribed from an "ask me anything" question and answer session with Nick Offerman conducted on Reddit on 2015-09-02. The Reddit AMA can be found here.