Jim Gaffigan

May 15, 2015

I'm male model Jim Gaffigan. AMA.

Oh hi there, I’m comedian Jim Gaffigan. I made this show with my wife and writing partner Jeannie Gaffigan (we also made some books, some stand-up specials, and some little humans together). It’s called THE JIM GAFFIGAN SHOW and you can watch an episode of it now on wwwjimgaffigan.com. Now, ask me anything.

my website: http://www.jimgaffigan.com my proof: http://imgur.com/Tdaa8Ej

Update: Thanks everyone, this was a lot of fun, hope you can go and check out the free streaming episode of The Jim Gaffigan Show at jimgaffigan.com. If you don't I will hunt you down and kill you. Follow me and @jeanniegaffigan on social media for constant updates, and next time you see me give me $20.

Update#2: Also, I'm going on a 30 city tour culminating in a performance at Madison Square Garden. All dates and tickets on jimgaffigan.com

How did you come up with the audience voice you do ?

Speaking for other people has been something that's always been part of my personality since I was a teenager. It diffuses a situation so if I'm running late for something, rather than the other person saying "Jim I can't believe you're late" - if I say "Jim I can't believe you're late" in their voice, it makes a humorous situation out of something awkward.

If you forgot your long-sleeve sunshirt at the beach this summer, how long could a person stare at you before going blind?

Maybe 30 seconds, depending if they're wearing sunglasses

When I was in high school and worked at the small local movie theater in my town, you made an appearance for a local film festival. I was too shy to ask for a picture, and shortly after, you blew up with people in my age with the “Hot Pocket” thing.

My question is: Which do you like better: making smaller appearances or doing the bigger comedy specials?

(PS - You accidentally walked out with your fly open and noticed it. Didn’t get a pic, but that’s a fun memory.)

I like the sense of completion of doing an hour special, but there's nothing better than the feeling of coming up with a new joke.

Also, I never close my fly. I need air

Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

I worked on super troopers for two hours and people still come up to me and say "meow"

Are you willing to appear in Super Troopers 2?

I definitely would but I have no idea what the Broken Lizard guys plans are

  1. On Gaffigan Show, your character gets backlash for being Catholic. Did you get the same backlash in real life after talking about God on Pete Holmes' podcast?

  2. What's your best on-stage memory?

  1. The episode on jimgaffigan.com was actually inspired by a series of events that happened after Dad is Fat was published. I kind of outed myself as Catholic and then there was an article in the Washington Post identifying me as the leader of a new Evangelist movement. It was pretty hysterical.
  2. Whenever I improvise a new joke or line is always the highlight

Hi Jim! Big fan. Love your seafood bit. How was it working with Matt Lucas on Portlandia? Any stew recommendations? Bug meat?

Matt Lucas is a delight, a really nice funny guy. He came to my show in London, I was very flattered.

I've read Dad Is Fat and am currently reading Food: A Love Story, and from what I've read so far it sounds like people who recognize you yell "Hot Pocket!" at you a lot.

How frequently does that occur? If you could go back in time and un-tell the Hot Pocket jokes, would you?

I would not go back in time and untell the jokes. Hot Pockets changed my life, but yes 2 or 3 times a day a stranger, or even someone I know, will say Hot Pockets to me. It's very similar to when your uncle does an inside joke that you're rather tired of but you politely nod.

If given the opportunity to create your own flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, what would it be called?

It would be one of the highest honors. It would have to have bacon in it. I would name it "Fat Dad".

What's the premise of your new show? #PlugAway

Jeannie and I (my wife and writing partner) wrote 10 episodes that are very personal and shows that we would want to watch. The premise of the show is my life.

Hey Jim How's your day going so far?

It's good - I'm blown away that 500,000 people have visited jimgaffigan.com to stream the episode (I'm sorry, I have to plug here and there)

How many baby carrots are in a bag of baby carrots?


If I win the lottery, how much money would I have to give you for you to make me a sandwich every weekday?

Nothing. I live to serve you.

Jim. I love your stuff! How in the world do you have time for your big family with all you have going on? Do they all tour with you?

Yes, we will be going on a 30 city tour this Summer. Jeannie and our 5 kids on a tour bus. The tour bus will be wrapped with a picture of my face. Interestingly enough, the image is the same size as my actual head.

Hello Mr. Gaffigan! I love your skits about the holidays, but it has me wondering, what is your favorite holiday?


Have you had any kale today?

If that's code for "breakfast burrito" then yes.

What's your advice on breaking into the male model industry?

Be sexy

Jim, do you smell as awkward as I imagine?

I smell like asparagus was overcooked in a microwave

Hey Jim, whats the hardest part about being a male model?

Being asked if I'm Brad Pitt

Dear Jim

If you were going to be any type of muffin, what type of muffin would you be?

Sincerely- Your Secret Admirer

Great question - I would have to say Lemon Poppyseed. And also, I know this "Secret Admirer" is really president Obama.

Do you think there is a stand up resurgence going on?

This is the Golden Age of stand up. When I started, it was all weirdos and derelicts. Now most comedians went to a little Ivy university.

Seriously, who is more pale? You or Conan O'Brien?

I should know this answer - I think it's me?

Hello Jim, thanks for doing this AMA. Do you think that a man notices when a woman gets her nails done? Also, would you choose to get rid of your fame if you could keep your money? Love your work, thanks for the laughs.

Fame is only good because it gives you the opportunity to gain more creative fulfillment.

Mornin' Jim. Thanks for doing this AMA.

You've been at this for a long time. What's been the hardest part about being a comedian for you?

Edit: How was your experience working with Cynthia Nixon on Sex and the City?

I think the hardest part of being a comedian, or anything, is not getting caught up in peoples' expectations. And Cynthia Nixon was an absolute delight.

If you were Tom Brady right now, how would you comfort yourself with your recent punishment?

By looking in the mirror or at my wife?

Love you! When are you coming to Tampa Bay? We want to come see your show!

I don't know, I think the theater wasn't available for this Fall

Jim, big fan. You're not shy about talking about and sharing your family on social media as it's grown. How much has the growth of your family impacted your comedy, both standup and in the show?

It's impacted my comedy enormously. I never thought that I would be a comedian who would be so autobiographical, but I find it funny and it keeps me less self-centered.

Which do you have more of -- kids or red sneakers?

I haven't talked to my wife in an hour, it might be more kids

How long did it take you to make it big in modeling?

One day.

Hi there. You have some of the best jokes I know that are so largely food related and particularly about unhealthy foods. Do you often think thoughts similar to your jokes while eating those same foods or has your act changed your diet?

I think my act has changed my diet. I have a romanticized view of eating that has definitely made me more of a pig.

What was the last movie you watched that had you thinking 'Damn, that was a good movie'?

I loved 'Birdman' but I think '12 Years a Slave' was the best movie I've seen in 10 years.

Hello, Mr. Gaffigan! I would like to get your advice on something. I have had a pipe dream of doing stand-up comedy for a few years, and recently worked up the courage to consider actually trying it out – albeit not as a career. However, as a woman, I am aware of the unfortunate stereotype that women in comedy simply cannot be as funny as men, and tend to stick to jokes that are funny only for their own demographic. I’d really like to be able to appeal to a wide variety of people, much like you do. I also realize that most people bomb hard when first starting out in comedy. On top of all this, I have the stage presence of a kindergartner in a Christmas play. Needless to say, this sort of dampens my spirits about trying it out. Do you have any advice/suggestions for overcoming this?

I grew up watching Carroll Burnett, Lily Tomlin, and reruns of Lucy. I think society is way more accepting of females being stand ups than when I started over 100 years ago. Being awkward on stage is a benefit - people respond to vulnerability. As Gladwell said, "10,000 hours"

When is the last time you ate a Hot Pocket?

There was a DVD extra on "Beyond the Pale" of me eating a Hot Pocket. It was BBQ Beef and I did not finish it.

I've been dying to know, what is your favorite flavor of hot pocket? And who is your biggest inspiration as a comedian?

The Ham and Cheese is not that bad

If I was dying, would you stroke my hair lovingly?

I wouldn't say "lovingly" - I would say awkwardly.

Thanks for doing this. Who is your favorite young stand up comedian?

There are so many. There was a time when I knew all the comedians that were in New York and LA and now there are people that we used on The Jim Gaffigan Show (see a preview at jimgaffigan.com) that I haven't seen do stand up. It's quite embarrassing.

Not considering their dreams, what do you want your kids to be when they grow up?

I just want them to love what they do (aren't I great?)

Jim what's the best place for food in nyc?!??!

This would take too long

Have you ever thought "maybe I do that whispering voice just a little too much?"

who is this guy talking like that?

Well, obviously you've only seen one special of mine. Yes - I've used the 'inside voice' / talk for the audience in different amounts depending on my mood.

What's the highest number of bananas you've ever put in your mouth at once?


First, I love you and you are hilarious and amazing at what you do.

Second, Has Hot Pocket ever approached you for a sponsorship or endorsement?

Yes, I passed. Not that I'm a great person, I'm happy to whore for any product, it's just that I'm already known as the Hot Pocket guy. No sense in confirming that.

Hey Jim! You're up there as one of my favorite comedians at the very top of my list, so I'm ecstatic that this is happening.

For the question, how can you possibly balance family, work, and alone time with your large family?

Keep on being you.

It's really hard. Especially with the Jim Gaffigan Show (see episode at www.jimgaffigan.com) - Jeannie and I wrote all episodes and executive produce, so the last 10 weeks have been chaos. But I do not want to be one of those dads that my kids don't know.

I'm going to your Colorado show with my brother and two of his seven kids (You and him would probably get along). If we buy a giant bucket of donuts from Voodoo Donuts before your show, can the five of us all eat them on stage together?

Sure, it'll have to be before the show and I won't be there

Is there any type of food that you won't joke about, or is nothing too taboo for you?

I don't believe in censorship, but obviously I would never talk about the sacred breakfast sausage patty

Jim why are you on reddit so much?

I'm not! This is my first time - oh, you're joking. You joker.

So how's your day going?

That's kind of a personal question, but I did just swallow 30 eggs.

How many kids do you have today?

I don't know, there's a lot

Are you ticklish?

Just around my breast

Good morning, favorite drink?


What's your favorite soundtrack?

The theme to law and order

Will you ever return to the Juan Epstein podcast with Cipha Sounds and Peter Rosenberg? That's one of my favorite podcast episodes of all time for any genre.

Link for those who are unaware.

Yes, Cipha is doing a guest star on The Jim Gaffigan Show (episode at www.jimgaffigan.com)

Will you buy me a Christmas tree?

I'll buy you two

What's your favorite personal "bombing" story?

I've actually never had a bad set. (I typically have blocked those out)

Do you currently have Hot Poooockettsss in your freezer?


Who's somebody you've been meaning to work with?

I've always been a huge Steve Buscemi fan, and he actually agreed to be in an episode.

Love your comedy specials. I was wondering, how much material do you write for your specials/your show versus how much your wife writes? And does being married to your writing partner cause any special dilemmas or benefits?

My wife and I have been writing together since we first started dating. There are arguments and disagreements but the collaboration is strong.

what's your favorite brand of underwear?


I've noticed your use of the audience voice to ease transitions between jokes. How do you decide when to use this and what voice to use? ..One of my favorites.."That's not how yuou carry a closet! That's the worst closet carrying I've ever seen."

I just do what Jesus tells me

What are you going to pick?

I'm going to pick the egg salad - chicken salad is disgusting.

I watched your new show on your website and loved it. I was surprised that in addition to being funny, it was also thought provoking. Can we expect more of this?

Yes, Jeannie - my wife and writing partner - and I agreed that we would treat each of these episodes as the last episode of television we will ever do and try and make each one special.

Hi Jim,

Giant fan of your comedy.

How challenging has it been to travel so much and raise..what? Five, six...twelve kids? Does Jeannie ever slow down? What do you guys do if she's sick?

It's actually easier to travel when you're doing theaters because I'm in a city usually for one night as opposed to when you work at a comedy club and you're there for 4 or 5 nights. Twice a year we go on a tour bus with our 5 kids so that I don't have to be away from them and I can get no sleep. And Jeannie is not allowed to get sick.

Where's all the jelly go?

I think the question is how do they make the jelly, and do we want to know how they make jelly?


Monthly, go to jimgaffigan.com

What's your favorite kind of pizza?

Sausage Chicago Deep Dish - I have one in the freezer for emergencies

After traveling across the country for stand up, what and where are your top 3 burgers?

Important question. I'm going to go fast food: Culver's, Steak n Shake, In n Out, and of course, Shake Shack.

If you were a piece of bacon, would you eat yourself?

If I was crispy

What kind of sunscreen do you use to keep your flawlessly white complexion?


Did you go to Wendy's twice yesterday?

EDIT: Why am I being downvoted? It's just a reference to his stand up, and he replied.

I love Wendy's

You are me and my wifes favorite comedian. We listen to your audiobooks on roadtrips. My 1 year anniversary is sunday, anyway you could help a fella with a perzonalized shout out to my wife Robin in picture/message form? It would make our day

Hi Robin, your husband is a great kisser.

What is the best dipping sauce? I can't get it right.

It depends on the item. Onion rings should be dipped in blue cheese, ketchup is always a good go-to.

I love your unique comedic delivery. Was it something that developed naturally, or was it a conscious decision?

I think most comedians spend their first 10 years trying to get their personality on stage. All the best comedians are just being themselves up there.

I have a friend that raves about you, but I have never seen you before. Do you recommend a youtube video that would best sum you up? I'm tired of the one sided conversations that I always have with my friend. thanks in advance

Go stream the episode on jimgaffigan.com and understand that I love you the most.

Hey Jim, what's your biggest pet peeve? Also, do you sing in the shower?

It drives me crazy when people chew with their mouths open, even though I think I might do it. My one goal as a father is to make sure my children don't chew with their mouth open and to learn their names.

Who were your comedic influences growing up?

Letterman, Bill Murray, George Carlin, Carol Burnett

Hey Jim!

What do you think about McDonald's beautification project? I feel a little less ashamed of meeting male prostitutes there.

I think Bruno Mars said it best about McDonald's "you're amazing just the way you are"

I was an extra in Salvation Boulevard, and I think I might have spoken to you. What was your favorite part of making that movie?

Jennifer Connelly was nice and I loved when she told me hand sanitizer is going to give me cancer

Was Bill Burr really that annoyed you's Periscope him?

Bill Burr is a genius - he was more annoyed with internet trolls. He's brilliant and doing everything right with his career.

Hi Jim! I'm a huge fan! What advice do you have to a teenager who's never done stand up before but wants to get started?

Do it as much as you can, write as much as you can.

What television shows do you find the funniest?

The British Office

What's one thing you know now, that you wish you knew back when you were just starting comedy?

Stand up comedy is unique in that it's a meritocracy, unlike the other bs of the entertainment industry you can control your own destiny by just working hard and having a little luck.

What advice would you give to someone who's trying to figure out what their on-stage voice/style is?

Be patient, it's going to take time.

Be patient, it's going to take time.

Don't let other people tell you what your voice is

Don't let other people tell you what your voice is

The audience will tell you

I was at your show in Atlantic City and there was a sign language interpreter there, and you said diarreah as many times as you could to make her sign it over and over again.

Do you have any other favorite words you like to have them sign again and again?

I think this perfectly illustrates that I'm an artist.

Will you be attending the Indy 500 this year?

Yes, I'll be in the pink car.

Hello Jim, I am a big fan and have two questions for you.

If given the opportunity to choose another career aside from Comedy/Comedy writing/etc, what would it be?

Also, you have said that your wife works with you writing your material and is equally involved in your work process. My other question is, does it get difficult separating work from home for you and your wife?

I love my wife, she's turned out to be a terrific first wife. We're both workaholics and creating stand up never feels like work.

And if I weren't a comedian, I think I'd make a pretty good serial killer. The hours seem flexible

What's the most useful piece of life advice given to you?

Put mustard on your cheeseburger.

If I should happen to find myself in a waffle house, how do you recommend I defend myself?

The menu is made from heavy stock for a reason

Jim, do you find it a struggle to constantly write "clean" jokes? I would think writing clean jokes has to be a lot harder than the opposite - and you're the absolute best at it. Thanks for the laughs!

This clean/dirty thing is ridiculous. It really matters if something is funny or not. Giving someone credit for clean or dirty material is absurd - if it's funny it's funny, if it's not it's not.

Do you like to cut your sandwiches horizontally or diagonally?

That's kind of personal

Since you embrace the pale, have you ever tried a spray tan just for the hell of it?

No, but spray cheese is an amazing invention

I just finished listening to your book, "Dad is Fat," on audiobook yesterday, and it completely endeared and terrified me on the concept of having kids. The stories you told were great, but I have to wonder, how do you think your kids will feel years for now after being in your stand up? Terrified? Mortified? Gleeful? Plotting to murder you in your sleep?

Luckily, I'll be dead in a year. Having kids is the most important thing anyone can do - is it hard? Yes, but so is standing in line at the DMV.

What is your favorite joke that you didn't make up?

If you were to say one thing to make the world a better place, what would that be?

George Carlin's chunk on suicide is amazing, Larry Miller's "5 stages of drinking" is perfect, just about everything Jonathan Winters did was insanely brilliant.

What is your favorite breakfast food and why is it breakfast burritos?

Many people don't know that Moses ate a breakfast burrito every day that he was in the desert for 40 years.

Many people don't know that Moses ate a breakfast burrito every day that he was in the desert for 40 years.

For good reason.

Jim, How would you describe working with your wife on various projects? Does she have a similar sense of humor as you and/or does she just get tired of your 'shit'? (Love your work btw) <3

Her sensibility is broader but she's brilliant

I've been considering going to www.jimgaffigan.com, but I'm not sure I'm ready. What can you tell me to allay my fears?

I think jimgaffigan.com is where you can stream a free episode of The Jim Gaffigan Show. I heard it's great and I think Jim Gaffigan is in it.

Why do you hate dinosaurs?

Because they're passé

Hi Jim! I once met you on the Acela from NY to Boston. You were very nice.

My question is did you intend to have all those kids?

I have four and while I like the last one a lot, she was definitely a mistake. Or my wife might have pulled the goalie.

I never thought I'd have one kid but I'm thrilled with each of them. And I don't imagine there is any stopping Jeannie Gaffigan.

Hi Jim! How do you spend your time when you're not working?


I recently spotted you in the movie 'Three Kings'. What possessed you to film a movie as a soldier in a desert?

I was offered the role.

What do you see in your future?

Hopefully tons of cheeseburgers

Big fan here. What cause(s), if any, do you believe don't get enough attention, that you would bring awareness to? If your "McDonalds" is helping people, who are those people you would help?

I think as a nation we treat our veterans pretty ridiculously, we don't give them enough respect and support.

First, thanks for doing this AMA! Your stand-up is always hilarious!

Question- What has been your greatest personal victory so far this year?

Also, lets say a hundred years from now that someone, somewhere, is doing a celebrity ghost tour. Where do you want them to claim YOUR ghost "haunts"?

Greatest personal victory: Every single episode that Jeannie Gaffigan and I have written and produced is a show that I would actually watch and enjoy.

2nd question: I would love it if I could haunt each and every Subway Sandwich shop.

What if I told you you are my absolute favorite comedian to watch while on mushrooms? :P

You know I like mushrooms occasionally on a burger

If you were a cat, what would your name be?


Hi Jim Gaffigan!

I've only recently found out about the magical world of stand-up comedy, and you've been my favorite comedian from the start.

What sparked your love of Hot Pockets?

If you were to change one thing about Hot Pockets what would it be?

Who is your favorite character from "The Avengers" and why is it Phil Coulson?

Also, my friends and I argue quite frequently if you go by "Jimmy Gaffigan" or just "Jim Gaffigan", which is it?

I was Jimmy Gaffigan until I was 10 years old, my brothers and sisters still call me Jimmy. You can call me Mr. Jimmy, sir.

Jim, I live my life based on your comedy specials, I find them to be so true to real life scenarios. Anyway my question is, how different are you on stage than in your real life? When you are on stage do you play a character or is that you we are actually seeing?

Yes, I'm a little smarter than the idiot on stage.

What were your long term goals when you started out as a comedian, and how have they changed?

When I started as a stand up comedian, I just wanted to appear on Late Show with Dave Letterman and be a writer on the show. Now, my goal is to seek creative fulfillment and eat burritos.

Your book Dad Is Fat single handedly made me afraid of having kids. Do you have any good stories of kids that doesn't involve them screaming and throwing stuff and getting gum everywhere? Any at all?! I mean, they ruined pizza and cake. That's enough to make me celibate for life.

Having kids is the most important and rewarding thing I've done in my life.

How did you come up with the title THE JIM GAFFIGAN SHOW?

According to Jim was already taken

If you could be reincarnated as any ethnicity you wanted, what would you choose and why?

This is easy: I would say Mexican, because Mexican food is the best food on the planet, even though I enjoy being Asian.

Just finished listening to your mr universe album again. Coincidence

Jim, I've been meaning to give stand up a chance and I have a lot of friends supporting me on this, who've been telling me for a long time to give it a go.

Could you offer any advice that would help me hone my act?

Record your sets and listen to them

What is your favorite food?
Besides bacon.
I mean, I like bacon, but come on!

Well, I also like bacon.

Did you ever do "dirtier" jokes earlier in your career?

Yes, but it's hard to talk about mini-cupcakes after you do a dirty joke


You spelled 'cake' wrong

What is the first thing you do when you get to a hotel room?

I take off my pants

Jim, your wife is pretty smoking hot. Any chance you can give her my number?

edit: typo fix because dumb


Jim, huge fan of you as a comedian and as a homo sapiens sapien in general. How do you balance so well a succesful career in entertainment and raising a large family?

I'm doing a horrible job of both

Hey jim..ive seen ur stuff here and there on comedy central but wheres the best place to start to becoming a real gaff enthusiast?

Go to jimgaffigan.com and watch an episode of The Jim Gaffigan show, written by Jeannie Gaffigan and I. Then send me $20

What kind of toothpaste do you use?

The cream that's in between Oreo cookies

What are your opinions of the popular American food Hot Pockets?

Never heard of it


I love Law And Order

What's your favorite color?



Donald, please behave per the restraining order. FYI we'll play the ninja gang

Who would win in a cage fight, Joy Behar or Rosie Perez?

I would say Joy is deceptively strong

So is that airy, high-pitched voice you sometimes do what your stream of consciousness sounds like?


How much do you love Law & Order?

I don't know, ask my children: Law, and Order.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I think there's a cemetery in queens

Why are you so white?

My father was a q-tip (one of my first jokes I ever wrote)

If you could be a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?

I like to think of myself as a human Cuisinart

What are your thoughts on the "dad bod" craze?

I had a dad bod before people tried to manufacture that it was okay to have a dad bod.

This interview was transcribed from an "ask me anything" question and answer session with Jim Gaffigan conducted on Reddit on 2015-05-15. The Reddit AMA can be found here.